20 seconds in my head.

Wanna know how I think? Here is my literal thought process:

I hate seeing people that were originally a horrible couple... then they get married, and you think, "Wowzas! I give then 2 months." And then YOU get a divorce... 2 times! Karma's a bitch, I tell ya. I don't know why, but I tend to see that all the time... Happy cookie cutter households. I think that should be a national holiday. Like, "Here you go! You fit the square mold perfectly!" Pity party for me? Pssssh. YES. And why do they call that a 'pity party'? Maybe it's because it originally started out in the "pit" so to say... Like the arm pit? Personally, I think there are many more pits that I'd avoid. (Not THE Pitt, though. I'd do him on a rainbow) Now, don't get me wrong an arm pit is a terrible place to hang out. But who would hang out there anyways, right? Ok, so I got the "happy couple" crap off my chest. Because apparently there is a lot of stuff that is just sitting there. Like food and flash. Flash as in pins of a job well done. That is a lie. I wouldn't wear those ugly things. EVER. I wonder if I have a text message. I get them at the most random times of the night. It's cool though. Unless I'm working, I don't hear them. Yeah, I'm such a heavy sleeper that you could literally dunk my face into water, and I'd probably just adapt. I guess I'd become a fish? I wonder what that would be like anyways? Do you think fish feel like they fly? Like birds. Birds don't have roads to follow. Kind of like fish. They just fly. And fish just swim. So would that mean that a shark is like an airplane? And would flying fish be ducks? OH! Since I'm on the topic of retarded animals... My cat. I hate him. Really. He is so freaking stupid. I don't understand them cats all. There I was. Just standing in my door way, with one complete arm and hand hanging out of it. (It might or might not have had a cigarette in at the other end) And here meanders my idiot cat. STARING at freedom on the other side of the door. Now, I've never injured my cat, but that freaking thing is scared to death of me! Ughhh! I'm whispering in the typical cat calling voice... and open the door so this retard can run out to freedom. And once I open the door, he runs away. NOT outside away... but literally turns and runs. Doesn't make me wonder why they are freaking domesticated. And is that what we do? When the door opens up, do we turn around and retreat? Holy shit. Seriously, that was profound. I guarantee that will be the one and ONLY profound thing I say for about 5-7 days. It's fascinating to me how much I can talk, and literally... NOTHING is important. I could have 99.89% of my voice box taken out, and the only thing that would change is the silence. Yeah, there'd be a lot more of that. And only when it's silent, does noise become noise. So, we have to appreciate the silence. I think I need a moment of silence for my lost voice box.









I hope you didn't read that space fast. Because it literally should've taken you at least 840 seconds. Yes. That entire spot just had room for 840 letters. I swear to God. I just sat here and counted every last one of them. Sometimes people wonder what I do up so late at night, and that is it. I count space. Truly rewarding. Just hope you never loose count, because it's horrible to start over. So, you ask... why am I awake? (Or maybe you didn't, but I just made you think that question in your head) To waste time. I think I feel guilty about sleeping. Other wise I'd sleep non-stop. Like my friend Whitney used to do. (Sorry Whit. I should've changed your name to protect you, but now I used it twice.) So, here is the truth. I can't sleep because I feel I need to do something else. Like Facebook. Or Blogspot. Or listen to music. Like, the stupid stuff is going to leave me one day. Well, maybe it will in the year 2012. Which brings me to another thought. WHY would anyone believe that the world was just going to END in 2012? That's like saying "I've finished the internet". (MATT) It's stupid. You don't finish the internet, or finish space. It's infinite. We aren't just going to drop dead. A meteor isn't going to just wipe us out, and if it did... WHO EFFING CARES? You won't know. Nor will you lay there 218 miles under the original surface of the Earth, and think... "Wow. That meteor knocked the wind right out of me. Damn! I think I left my FB page open on a public computer." Now, why would anyone bother thinking about it? We thought the entire solar system was going to freeze up because our computers would shut off in the year 2000. Which was an unrealistic day back when computers were being created. Geez. Computers. They make things so difficult... by making everything easy. They make us dumb by making things easier, but only smart people understand them. I know I don't. I know how to do basic things. Like text to speech, and changing the left and the right button functions on a mouse... just to mess with your co-worker. Sorry about that, Libby. I forgot that I did that to her. Haha! I don't know how I forget things so easy. Maybe because I got a lot of randomness running around in my head. But either way, the year 2000 was one person thinking, "Ughhh, shit. I think I sent that email to everyone saying to pick the expiration date as 01/01/00." And what happens with expiration dates? You push it. That's what I do, so I know you do it too. When I see milk in the fridge that is a day expired. I smell it. WHY!? I have no freaking clue. I don't know what normal milk smells like, because I don't smell milk that's not close to expired. But, I smell the almost expired milk anyways. And every single time, I wonder if there is supposed to be a white coating on top, and if it's supposed to smell the way it does. So, rather than throw it out, I just pour it really slow and hope that I notice if a chunk comes out. Where was I? OHHH. Expiration dates. We push them, nobody watches the clocks strike midnight, and then immediately tosses everything out that just instantly turned bad. So, is it safe to say that you can go about 5-10 days past your expiration date on milk, or whatever? Idk. I just throw it away at the strike of midnight... just to be safe.

Now that I have divulged all my retarded thoughts to you at 3am. I think I'm starting to hallucinate. Like the room is blacking out and all I can see is my white screen. Actually, it scared me. So, I'm signing off... and am going to sleep with my lights on. Good night.

Tricky Tricky...

My son has the messiest room... I swear. Not quite as messy as mine was growing up, but it's a mess. I have been trying to coerce him into cleaning it so that we could do MUCH funner things. (ie- ice skating, rock climbing, movies, etc)

So, as I'm repeatedly herding him into his room I decide I need a cigarette... yeah, sue me... I deserved a break. As I'm standing in the front door, he comes into the front room and tells me that I need to go look at MY room. I got to thinking about it, and asked him if he just threw all his stuff into my room as opposed to cleaning his own. (Come on! I would've done that if I had thought about it at his age) He gave me this smirk and evil-kid laugh. Frustrated, of course... I finally go into my room and the cute little snot CLEANED IT! Yes, he cleaned my room (which wasn't very messy, but still). He straightened the bed and laid out one of his blankets on it. Awww! How freaking cute. He even pointed out to me that he "cleaned" my necklace that was on the dresser... which consisted of laying it flat.

Here comes the good part. After the eye-lash batting and "I love you mommy's", he said... "Now that I cleaned YOUR room, will you clean mine?"

Hahaha! Oh, you tricky little boy. I'll never doubt that kid takes after me. Damn it! I'm in for a treat...

The Lyrical Anatomy of a Relationship

"Baby, baby, baby from the day I saw you
I really, really wanted to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you
Cause not a lot of guys are really worth my time,
Oh no."
-You Don't Know My Name by Alicia Keys

"Let me take you to a place nice and quiet
There ain't no one there to interrupt
Ain't gotta rush
I just wanna take it nice and slow
(Now baby tell me what you wanna do with me)
See I've been waiting for this for so long
We'll be makin' love until the sun comes up
Baby, I just wanna take it nice and slow
(Now baby tell me what you wanna do with me)"
-Nice and Slow by Usher

"So I won't hesitate no more
No more it cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours."
-I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

"It's like I waited my whole life
For this one night
It's gonna be me, you and the dance floor
Cause we only got one night
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance forever ever ever..."
-Forever by Chris Brown

"Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me."
-Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

"Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is."
-Something's Missing by John Mayer

"I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing every time
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from."
-Walk Away by Christina Aguilera

"I just wanna be there when you discover
You wake up in the morning
Next to your new lover
She might cook you breakfast
And love you in the shower
The flavor of the moment
Cause she don't have what's our
She's not me
She doesn't have my name
She'll never have what I have
It won't be the same
You won't be the same."
-She's Not Me by Madonna

"I'm still waiting, come through the door
I am killing time, you know bleaching your clothes
I am roasting marshmallows on the fire
And what I'm burning is your attire
I am getting restless
I am getting tested
I can't believe he is always out all night and never checks in
Is he cheating? Man I don't know
I am looking for something else to throw."
-Breaking Dishes by Rihanna

"I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats"
-Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood


"Grab your things and get gone
Before the sprinklers come on
Talking bout girl I love you
You're the one
This just looks like a re-run
What else is on
So don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught"
-Take a Bow by Rihanna

"I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?"
-I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace

"Silent I go under, I am not afraid
I can see the daylight shine and slowly drift away
Safe to say it's over, sink into the grave
There is nothing left inside but I am wide awake
I can hear the devil call my name."
-Hopeless by Breaking Benjamin

"Was it really worth it?
Was she everything you were looking for to feel like a man?
I hope you know that you can't come back
'Cause all we have is broken like shattered glass
You're gonna see me in your dreams tonight
My face is gonna haunt you all the time
I promise that you gon' want me back
When your life falls apart like shattered glass
Glass, glass, glass, glass...."
-Shattered Glass by Britney Spears

"I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on"
-I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

"Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter."
-Fighter by Christina Aguilera

"When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And i start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Ooooh
Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman"
-Superwoman by Alicia Keys

Things I hate...

You KNOW you wanted to know exactly what I don't like... just so you can do the opposite, right? Well, here is the MUCH anticipated list of things I hate. Or at least dislike a LOT.

1. The song, Koombya. I don't even care to look up how to spell that... I hate that song... and yes, it's number 1 for a GD good reason.

2. The word Meineke. You know... the tire/car place?

3. Under-aggressive drivers. Yeah, under-aggressive. Freaking under-acheivers.

4. People who can't sing, but think they can. (Pretty much, me)

5. When dogs lick people's faces. Don't think I need to explain that one.

6. Cat hair. Dog hair. Ugly people hair, etc.

7. People who are constant victims. Refusing to take responsibility for their actions... Crap. That's me too.

8. The name Lacey.

9. People who insult their friends, thinking it's gonna make them look better. "You can't blow out my candle to make yours burn brighter" concept.

10. When people follow the rules so religiously, that they don't use their mind or own judgment.

11. Egos. Everyone has one, but nobody needs to flaunt it...

12. Copy-cats and under-acheivers (yes, both combined). Stop freaking copying my perfected failures.

13. People talking about going #2. Seriously?! Why do you need to share that info? I don't want to think about your bum-hole or what comes out of it. Gross. I've already talked about this too much... moving on.

14. When people ride on the riding wheelchairs because they are just too fat to walk. I want to tell them that more than anyone... they NEED to be walking.

15. Which also reminds me... I don't like when people blame their fatness on thyroid (etc) diseases. The next time someone says that, I'm gonna make them show me a doctors note. But if you really truly do, then I'll be thoroughly impressed and will apologize to your face.

16. Fishing for compliments... I wish I was good enough looking to just get compliments like everyone else gets. Makes me really sad and I doubt my reasoning for being born. (This is your cue to compliment me... See? Annoying.)

17. When people don't watch out for their kid's personal hygiene. *Snotty noses, stained shirts, food on their faces, dirt in their fingernails, hair that hasn't been cut in months - if they are boys, etc*

18. Children with absolutely no discipline or manners.

19. People insulting/cussing at their children. Pretty much, just bad parenting in general...

20. Cussing loudly in public and/or during times that are absolutely unacceptable.

21. Pathological liars. "No. I know my Lucky Charms looked like Lucky Charms, but they were really pancakes. And I'm telling you... I ate pancakes for breakfast."

22. I love getting those people on the phone (at work) that say, "You will do what I say because I pay your wages!" I always respond with "Well, I pay my wages too... so this ones on me."

23. Food and nastiness on people's floors...

24. The smell of food left in a car. GROSS! It seriously does smell like a used diaper with Indian food.

25. People being rude to for absolutely no reason. Except for the intention of ridding themselves of their own negativity.



Ok, that is just the 25 that I can think of off the top of my head. I KNOW I have a lot more... so, just to keep you on the edge of your seat... check in periodically. I'll add more when I think of them.

Dear Matt,

For this specific blog... I'd like to talk about blogging... (see Rule #1 of: http://mattirving.blogspot.com/2010/01/order-in-universe.html)

Blogging can either be really phuc'n boring or thoroughly interesting Depending on what you want to talk about (Mom, wouldn't you agree?) Personally I think I am fascinating I entertain myself on a daily basis and think that I can entertain all of you... no matter what I talk about Thx Matt, for the blogging topic and the rules of the blogging community I'll come up with more topix by myself every day (at least) from now on You can bet your sweet ass I will

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyways... this daily blog was specifically for my incredibly boring friend, Matt. Please see his blog for my proof on that. ;) Haha. Oh, and Matt... don't you dare defriend me like you threatened. I told you I was going to be famous one day, and you will severely regret it.... here is your written warning on that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I'm sitting at work. Nothing more interesting than that. Actually, sometimes it CAN be really interesting... just not right now. Which is PRECISELY why I'm blogging. Oh, how cliche'. Why is it that I've been so anti-blogging when I will never shut up? You'd think that I had plenty to talk about... but once I get on here, I ramble. Sort of like I am now. Maybe I should google "blog topics" to find out what to talk about.

FOUND IT. Woot, woot. Fill in the blank. My personal recipe for __________:

Disaster? (Perfected) Becoming a criminal? (Not so much) Starving on a budget (Huh?) Living on caffeine? (Been there, still doing that) Boring the shit out of your blogging audience? (I would, but I have no audience)

There you go. That was my first blog.

The End.

*Wow. Much easier than it looks...